I was sitting working on a more professional update, but at
the moment I cannot get the bigger more serious thoughts out of my mind. The ‘
Emma’s monthly peace corps update’ will have to be saved for later. (I apologize
of the next few paragraphs are a disorganized jumble of thoughts but that’s how
this is going to be right now)
I have been contemplating my existence here in Macedonia. Not so long ago I had this conception of my
life and what it would be like, why I was going, the struggles I would face,
and a lot of different things. Now that I am here and people often ask how I am
doing in this country, I say the same
things. I am surviving. The positives
are better than I could have ever imagined and the negatives are things I had
never seen coming. It is hard to work with people. I am a grown woman, still
only 23 and learning so much about the world. I consider myself as someone who
is nice, kind, easy-hearted, and passive. This has not worked out for me so
far. I have these morals, these ways of thinking and often that essence doesn’t
work out so well in this world. It is not easy to get by if you are as passive
as I am. But I do not believe in making work harder for others, about bringing
people down, or offending people. I am who I am, I have these beliefs and I
will stick to that. I may not be the cookie-cutter overtly aggressive volunteer
that is almost required to fulfill your needs here. However, I am still here.
It is now April 19th, I have been here since September 14th.
That is a total of 7 months. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long
way.
In these recent days I have been more exposed to the
struggles that have been here in Macedonia. The political, cultural, financial
tensions and anxieties. The people here are used to many stressful things. It
is different here. Sometimes I think Americans have a habit to forget or
overlook this because the people here still lead normal lives, there is not
much blatant poverty or starvation. People take care of themselves and each
other. I consider my life here very well. The family I have been living with
has potable water, electricity, wireless internet, a cable package. I know this
isn’t true for other PCV’s and I am often just lucky. The people I have grown
close with outside of my family often have struggles that are more hidden. They
have fears like other people, but they keep on going and they appreciate the happiness
that is within reach. I have become immersed in my life here… and I love my
community, my family, and nearly everything here. That being said… being
separated from America has been getting me in a state of mind that I would have
never perceived (insert emotional unexpected struggle here).
I think I became more emotionally affected by absolutely
everything that has been happening in the US, not because of my age or my
awareness of news stories or anything like that as I had first hypothesized. It has taken the physical separation, having
this country as a whole separate thought, to realize how much struggle America
will feel. I think many Americans often are so used to the violence and the
suffering so much that they are not emotionally connected to the state of the
country. Obviously this can be seen as a generalization, it is not. I know there
are many people very emotionally connected to the laundry list of losses,
pains, sufferings that have happened recently in these days. Maybe I could be
discussing my own denial and inability to feel, to empathize, to hurt as they
hurt. Either way, now that I am as far as I probably will ever be from my
country, I am aware and I hurt intensely.
It did not take the losses of twenty children and two adults
in Sandy Hook for our country to realize that we need to make some dire changes
in gun control laws and support for mental health. It did not take the Virginia Tech shooting
with the loss of 32 people. It did not take the recent bombings in Boston with
the loss of 3 and the injury of just under 200 more. America has been seeing many losses for a
long time. There are so many ways to help decrease these happenings and many
governmental institutions are trying to save face with their business partners.
They first come up with the solution to arm teachers with guns to protect their
students. That, being a teacher, seems absolutely crazy to me. How does America find it logical to not pass
any sort of Gun Control laws, not even stricter regulations for background
checks. Americans are concerned about drug testing to get welfare, but not
background checks for owning a gun. I cannot get my mind around that. We work
hard to find solutions to our problems, but as we work and disagree and focus
on the politics behind everything we do, we lose our sense of humanity.
I am familiar with the lack of attention Americans use
toward other countries and their many many many struggles. Many Americans have
aspects of denial of their own struggles. The struggles that happen at
home. We as Americans pay attention to
our issues first. Any person in any country does the same for their own people.
Americans do care about other countries struggles, but the idea that they do
not wish to pay attention is reiterated by the publicity of the media. New and
breaking news are of American struggles because they are our people, our
country, our errors that we need to fix. I see nothing wrong with America’s
need to focus on their issues.
We still seem to forget that we are the cause of others’ own
suffering. As being the hypothetically “
most powerful country in the world” which obviously needs to be questioned, it
seems selfish and unreasonable to not identify with the losses that we cause.
Many of our soldiers are fighting and losing their own lives and ending the
lives of others who were not intended to be lost. These soldiers as well as the
civilian victims gain nearly no media attention. The American government is sending people out
to fight and risk and lose their lives but the denial or the reduction of human
emotion or caring for life and humanity reduces how Americans understand and
comprehend what is happening. As the
soldiers return from their battles, their in-person encounters with the
brutality of war and death, they receive little to no mental or health support
from the government. The government that sent them out to support their
political needs reacts not appropriately to their personal and human needs.
We need to transform our views on life, on humanity, on what
we define as the importance of politics and needs from our government. It may
take removing yourself from your country and viewing it from several thousands
of miles away. It may take some meditation, breathing, loss, suffering. It may
take something you are not receiving, but America you are heading in a
dangerous direction and I beg of you to pause and take a look to see what is
important, what matters, what your country is asking for and what it needs.
“Whether we consider the individual,
family, local, national or international level, peace must arise from inner
peace. For example, making prayers for peace while continuing to harbor anger
is futile. Training the mind and overcoming your anger is much more effective
than mere prayer. Anger, hatred and jealousy never solve problems, only
affection, concern and respect can do that”-Dalai Lama
